“I'm so much more productive and talented now”: KJ’s story

"I tried ketamine for the first time in my third year of uni. I was living with first years and one of them had experience with ketamine. A different friend stayed sober to trip sit. We had a lot of fun. I didn't feel pressured at all by my friends to try it; I had an interest in drugs for a long time before that point and was excited to experiment.  

After a couple of years, I started taking ketamine by myself frequently. For the first few months it was all good. I introduced my new partner to ket and we took it together a lot.

On one occasion, I went to a gig by myself, and k-holed severely in the bathroom. I got sent home in a cab by the manager after the medics checked me out and gave me orange juice. That wasn't enough to put me off ket and I continued taking it a few days later.

I really noticed it was a problem when I started taking ket knowing I had things to do, like visiting family, taking classes for my Masters degree or going out with friends. I couldn't stop taking it.

Mentally, I felt foggy all the time. I couldn't focus, I couldn't even read or write. My personality was distorted, but I genuinely believed that I was meant to be that way.

I ended up dropping out of university because of it and my relationships crumbled, because I was either manic or miserable. I would end up slurring, mumbling, rambling, or being completely silent, and people didn't like being around me. I scared people, I hurt people, and they couldn't forgive me because I was doing it to myself.

My finances really struggled as well; I was spending £100 every couple of days. I felt a lot of guilt for hurting and worrying people, which made me hate myself.

Physically it sucked as well. I frequently wet myself and occasionally experienced k-cramps (or ‘kramps’, as I call them), which were like the worst period cramps of my life. I once sat on the toilet, sobbing, forcing myself to vomit, trying desperately to get rid of the ketamine in my body, and ended up being escorted to A&E by an ambulance because I threatened to kill myself.

My sinuses are only just recovering five months later; my sense of smell was gone, I had pain all the time. I had semi-frequent nosebleeds which I never had before ketamine. My bladder is also still fragile but improving greatly.

My parents took me home after both of my A&E visits to give me space to sober up with home-cooked food and time to spend with them (and the dog!). I don't think I would have survived without their help. They were angry and upset, but it came from a place of care, and I know that deep down.

My friends were also very concerned, but they mostly took steps back from me, because they didn't have the emotional space or capacity to help me, or even be around me. My partner saw the worst of it all, and we are both genuinely surprised that they stuck around. We're both glad that they did.

I couldn't keep going the way I was: physically, emotionally, socially and financially. I think the incident that prompted me the most was when I didn't have any ket, couldn't afford it, and was so frustrated and desperate to snort something that I snorted my antidepressants. Don't do that. It hurts.

When I moved to a new area, I started seeing the local NHS mental health team. They then made the referral to Change Grow Live for me.

In my first meeting, I felt so welcomed. They offered me a free hot chocolate, the place was really nice, and my worker was even nicer.

They genuinely listened to what I had to say; they understood, but also challenged my beliefs and habits and encouraged me to find a new mentality. I immediately felt comfortable with my worker, and even when my care was transferred to a new worker, I clicked with them as well.

I'm about five months sober, and I'm feeling so much better than I have since it started two years ago.

The first thing I’d suggest to someone who’s worried about their own use is genuinely Change Grow Live. They've helped me so much, their care is so personalised, and I don't know what I would have done without them.

From a personal perspective, I would encourage them to keep themselves busy with hobbies and seeing loved ones.

I'm afraid of relapses, since I still get desperate cravings, but I've found a couple of coping mechanisms: piercings and tattoos when I can afford them (I got my nostrils done specifically to stop myself from snorting), writing poetry and prose, and playing musical instruments. I'm surrounding myself with art, and I'm so much more productive and talented than I was while I was on ketamine."