Jane's Story

Content Note: Strong Language, Bereavement 

"I was ashamed and embarrassed and I felt so at ease, they don’t judge they don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, it’s the best thing I did."
 

At 38 years old, I’d lived my life anti-drugs and did everything my parents asked.

To cut a long story short, I met a fella and started using cocaine, as that’s what he wanted. And yes, I was a people pleaser, I loved him and, yes, it was my choice. But if I’d known then what I know now, I should have dumped him there and then and walked away.

But hey, there’s no point in ifs and buts. It’s done, and here I am.

I hadn’t had the best life and, at 43, my health started to deteriorate. My confidence was low, which wasn’t unusual. I’d got very good at putting on a front. Anyway, I was using cocaine on and off recreationally with drink. It wasn’t a problem until my parents got ill, first Dad with cancer, and it was down to me to look after them.

Well, with every part of my body in pain and constantly exhausted, how was I supposed to do that? That’s when someone said cocaine was good for that illness because it numbed the nerve endings. I’d never tried dry snorting before, but it did the job.

I looked after Dad twice as he got secondary cancer, and he died in my arms.

Three years later, Mum died of cancer. There were issues like neglect, and I also had siblings who didn’t give a shit. My child was working, and it was a lot for me. I thought I was strong, but no, not this time. My head went, and then I got abuse off family.

Anyway, the cocaine carried on. It numbed my feelings. I couldn’t handle the fact that I’d lost both parents in my arms. I thought they’d live forever. We were so close. Then my dog had to be put down, my daughter moved out, and here I was, all alone. What the hell?

What’s the point? I’d had toxic relationships one after another. I’d been taken the piss out of, robbed, battered and threatened, and I could deal with that. But being alone? Literally, that was the worst. What do I do now? 

I lost me when I lost my parents, so I hit the drugs hard

I didn’t care. I stayed in the house, went to pot and did nothing. It was when my daughter rang me in tears, pregnant and saying she needed me, that I realised how selfish I was being. 

I sat and thought, you were anti-drugs, you were a single parent who put your child through college and university.

You’re a good person. It’s the drugs that are ruining you, your life, your confidence and your mind. I eventually decided to get help, and that’s when I went to my GP and got a referral to CGL. It was the best thing I did.

I’m still going, and they make you feel so normal.

I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I felt so at ease. They don’t judge, they don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. It’s the best thing I did. I’m only a couple of months in, but it’s given me what I needed: someone to just listen, understand and not judge.